my husband is driving my daughter away
Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. Older and (hopefully) wiser it seems to . temperance Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. For example, I taught my theatre kids The Crucible this year. Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! Mythbusters and other shows have done a number of episodes on sci-fi meet reality, too. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. Then my partner came along. oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. BtVS not mature and intelligent? Is it forcing or is it parenting? I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). So insightful! (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. bittergaymark He is into science so a consultation with a trained professional may be exactly what he needs. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. Well, how nice for you that your 12-year-old daughter is interested in all the same things youre interested in! Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. But he can be a great dad regardless. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. 'My husband is a terrible driver. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. Talk about making a little go a very long way. Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. TONS of teenagers are interested in Buffy, Firefly, and (new) Star Trek. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. But I agree with everything else you said. Neither does your husband. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. Apparently I am super wrong about This Old House my college friends would just give me a blank stare if I brought it up. If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. Ive grown up to be a very accomplished writer, and my dad loves to read what I write. 1. In her mind, hes the only man who should be in your life and she may feel like shes losing him if you get divorced. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. But hes an adult and should show an equal interest in what his daughter likes instead of disparaging her interests and rolling his eyes at her. . Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. And of course. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. Dis you see this: He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,. I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? Did I love that stuff? Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. And that is kind of ok out of respect, if he hands me the remote, I put on things hed like, not what i like. As a result, she may start to rebel and act out, which can eventually drive her away from her family. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. My husband has driven our children away with his dictatorial behaviour 04 May, 2019 01:00 You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush MY HUSBAND is not an emotional. Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. Im doing everything I can to make things work between us. 1. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). I simply didnt get it.) I dont know why the father doesnt like Star Trek, but shows like Eureka, Warehouse 13, and Revolution are all pretty good cross sections of fangirlyness and science. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. My husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn't like. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. Its not easy being caught in the middle, but its important to remember that you cant please everyone all the time. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! I can't even. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. Your email address will not be published. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. Or find something neutral. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! I think this is a great point. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? My husband's daughter is coming to visit. But you know what. And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. By contrast, my dad wanted me to play softball and had no interest in the books I used to read. "If your family don't want to see both of you . He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Camping and hiking which FRANKLY are much better for her both physically and psychologically in the long run. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. Well done, as always, my friend. I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. A game of Munchkin would be fun for all its geek references for you, and is playful enough that your husband might enjoy it.