difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting
I am still hurting from this user, one year after he got what he wanted and just disappeared. It sounds like youre dismissing the red flags because you are attracted to him. Sending love and hugs your way. Forgiveness means different things to different people. health information, we will treat all of that information as protected health include protected health information. My gut says he is married or in a relationship. Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you, Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. Thats what MOTHERS do. I would kill myself before I would let ONE day go by with my sons wondering if I loved them. If youre mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, thats another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. I am well aware of the working definition of forgiveness and what it means and doesnt mean, especially in Biblical terms. I have had an experience with a narcissist similar to what you described (charmed me completely, was successful, I felt we were compatible) and when I stuck to my boundaries and ended it, breaking NC afterwards was one of my biggest regrets. I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! I cant turn off deep, authentic feelings. there is so much more to my current world of pain. also, sending hugs and love your way. Tinkerbell The biblical standard is that a man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to one woman. These feelings fester in a vacuum, squeeze them out by filling your time and attention with other things. Thank you Natalie. A 2021 studyTrusted Source concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health. What makes me sad is that I wish I had a mother daughter relationship with someonenot her, just someone. And had my attempts at making everything better by telling him I forgive him or Im over what happened were ALWAYS (not once, but at least 67 times) interpreted as me wanting to get back together. My friends husband just asked me out! *Whenever you think of your ex, write a To-Do list of pleasurable things you want to do for yourself to take care of yourself. And furthermore I think you look too easy, you appear non-discriminating and youre too available for them. FLUSH. But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. He friended me on FB in Sept (seemed innocent enough Ive been to his house a few times), and just messaged me to suggest we go out. Normally, when things do not work out, I just endure the pain but try to move on. Elsevier; 2018. https://www.clinicalkey.com. What are you bearing grudges for? Clearly this made me out to seem bitter/sour whatever to some..and I am bearing the brunt of it as far people who I thought were loyal friends were concerned. I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. Why spend that much time and energy it's because there's still a grudge.". It does get better with NC, really it does. Ive kept my head held high, hid behind a smile and time has made it easier but boy has he spread some lies about me. You cant kill the memory, but youve ended the BS once and for all. Ive never had to forgive anyone as horrible as a child abuser, so Im a forgiveness novice in comparison. A theological debate would be fun, though, especially with Revolution as shes smart, a writer, has a feisty personality and a beautiful heart and probably knows her stuff. The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. It will take time for me to recover and I think for you too.so be patient with yourself.. And it is unfortunately that you have to see him but I understand that you do and I know I will have to do that toofrom time to time but I just hope I will be able to be less triggered as time passes so he wont affect me anymore. When you say it out loud and try to stop them, they will fight back with everything they have. woman on the rebound who knows he is not the right guy butcould trick[herself]into being with him.. Once I sense a romantic partner is bad news, something changes inside and I cant be with them. 0 Right before she died, my Grandmother experienced another one of her frustrated, disgusted out of patience with your stupidity rants.she told her Bonnie, the way you spoke to me just then is why you will never have a relationship with your daughter. ", "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at Ambrosia Treatment Center, told INSIDER. After a few texts back and forth, much along the same lines as before, I realised that this time around the short and non committal texts were neither exciting nor interesting. Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. He doesnt need to know that you forgive him, you do. I knew beforehand where the so-called ex gf lived. I have my dignity-you are correct. Let him live with that. Im not sure we can. and she appears to be lovely woman. Trust your gut on this one, and bail, then RUN! Human beings are quite complex and the situations which evolve with them are usually even more complex. And the question was, how many times should I forgive MY BROTHER, suggesting a close current relationship, not exes. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. life sucks. The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. MotherofDoodles 5 hr. The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness. I learned to do without her when I was about 8. Somehow I found it preferable to have this idealized harmony than to exercise my stronger, more realistic side (which is most decidely alive and well). If youre praying for them, even in general terms, youre ACTING forgiveness and thats whats important. I have no specific information about if he is dating, etc. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. Not only that, but you can find yourself taking advantage of any opportunity to let your voice be heard. All of this led to a fight and unremitting denials about his perceived drug use before he drove off. The more you try to chase those feelings away, the more they remain. Smart, intelligent, attractive constantly seducing women. Why? He knows. I have not been to therapy, but I have researched her behavior thoroughly. Think of a calming or pleasant memory that you can clearly . Unsubscribe at any time. It's about caring enough about myself to not make myself a doormat ever again, and using the pain as motivation. He was not dropping it, he was taking it to a new height and I fell for it. Forgiveness isnt about pretending the person didnt do anything wrong. However, when taking the subway, a man recognized me from high school, someone who I knew of from a mutual friend in school but thats it. I already walked away more than two months ago. Oddly, I have forgiven him and wish him no ill will. But, are you really compatible? I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? Drawing a relational boundary doesn't require a grudge. Wtf. Dear Grace, Sparkle, courtney, Kit-Kat, Elgie R., and Mymble. The best revenge is indeed moving on and being happy. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. Youre mean to not want to go there. I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. Okay, Nat. i saw him in the summer and we talked about what happened, I also found out he was dating a lot since out hook up. And awareness. So strange how these posts come out when Im in a situation where I can relate. So I couldnt. I guess Natalie would say let it go. Amen. We also stand to lose an opportunity to learn from who weve been at different points in our life because we keep squashing down truths out of fear of looking bad and even a sense of guilt that we remember something. I am 3 weeks into no contact-he sent me a few lame text messages and it is killing me. And the kids seem fine too. =), Tink,JustHer & Courtney. Your explanations about why something is inconvenient, or abusive, goes in one ear and out the other. It focuses on the wrong thing. I dont forget. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". You have to accept that sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. : a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time. We met a few times. Check out these best-sellers and special offers on books and newsletters from Mayo Clinic Press. He had nothing but kind thingsthings to say about me, my sibling, & others we knew from that time. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. I forgive my ex who was abusive. Grudges aren't uncommon. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. This of course prompts me to ask WTF and he tells me my friend and their son moved out in Sept. The last contact was from him via text and a general birthday card. Its also not a punishment. B.c I have to admit I am ropable & Im DONE with trying to b the bigger person re someone with the audacity to accuse me of lying abt being physically abused by HER & covertly sexually abused by not one but TWO of her sicko boyfriends as a child! No MMs is a good one but no-one who knows people I know (for instance)is too limiting. I guess this is why I ruminate so long about what to do because once I reach the final decision its iretrieveable. She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. Back to re-hab analogy Would you? I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. If we take a good hard look at where we have even reasonably decent relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, theyre not with people who rely on us having selective amnesia, who dont bear the responsibility for making right on something that theyve said theyll do after theyve erred, who dont keep trying to push the Reset Button, and who dont keep using the past as a weapon on us. I need to leave it alone, and stop feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING. It would be easy to put myself under a load of pressure to try to do All The Things in the name of book promo, but my body said no to hoeing myself out.Instead, Ive had a lot of quiet time, a few super early nights where Ive been fast asleep by 9.30, and have put myself under strict orders to stop overloading my schedule. I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. It did occur to me that being in no contact with him for good may seem a bit harsh and like Im holding a grudge against the past, but then it also occurred to me, Who cares? Why does it matter what someone who clearly didnt care about me thinks? Unfortunately, there are too many single women involved with ACs that behave as if their kids are deaf and dumb. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. I asked my friend what she thought of him very pleasant and charming but with an eye for young women. Spot on! At certain points I have gone NC with her for extended periods of time because she hurts not only me, but EVERYONE I care about with her words. I worked SO hard trying to make the relationship work while he either withdrew emotionally while he attacked and blamed me. If the grudge is something you find yourself thinking about very often, try using a physical technique to get your mind back on track. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. I didnt get closure the AC just disappeared after 2 years.Ive run into him at social events (we live in the same town) where hes made a point of coming and talking to me even introduced me to his new girlfriend as a good friend. Theres a contingency there. As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! I hear you, and I know you are right. You were probably not fitting into the fallback position he intended you to be. Its also not a dating handbook. *Get a journal. Bottom line: God loves us all and wants us to love each other and get along. but a lot of whether or not you feel forgiving comes down to whats happened that day, what youve eaten, your hormones and all manner of things that you cant do a lot about. I kinda believe they dont want the nc so they can just check we have forgiven them so they feel validated to carry on their merry way.my ex doesnt even bother texting me but will reply to me if I text him. "Now compare that to how much emotional reserve you have towards someone you feel wronged you. You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. At first, I tried to play it cool. I see so clearly now he was a narcissists w/a harem. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). Though part of me thinks, even if he didnt mean it, its a horrible thing to even say. None of these are likely. Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. Seriously, I know I just have to continue my resumed NC as that is the adult way to demonstrate my values and boundaries. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. Its not fair to use another as a buffer to get over the ex as you will become a user and an AC. Better late than never! And its SPOT ON. I am VERY happy for you. Hmmm. He has all the lingo down to seem caring stating FWB is not what you want as it is diminishingoh how sensitive he seems NOT! Though I am far from being Christian, the Biblical reference to forgiving if and when the person shows true remorse and doesnt do the same thing over is appropriate. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. If you havent, it may be something helpful in the healing process. Grace answered beautifully. And that means that sometimes you might get upset over things that really aren't related to what you're actually upset about. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Carry on!! My Mother believes if he really and truly had serious intentions, his ego and my not responding to him would not prevent him from reaching out to me. Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. What the heck is likable about talking about women in a degrading way and being sure you know he has a host of booty calls lined up? AAAArrrrggggg!! PS Mymble I think being in this kind of relationship where we began to doubt ourselves, where we were with these nice passive aggressive guys is crazy making in very very sutble ways- I understand more of that now. You can draw a boundary without being bitter. Dont have to make a big scene, just not be free to meet up as often. Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. Thought Id share it. "Think about how much emotional threshold you have towards most people even annoying ones," Owen said. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. Always follow your instincts. The responsible thing to do is therefore to withdraw from new guy and other dating prospects. Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. No theological debates on here, God forbid. If we combine this information with your protected Again, I was so wrong! Right now, its my faith that is getting me a bit balled up in what I think and do. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. I wont feel guilty about admiring the sociability and sweet openness of a guy at the party I went to. The new rebound guy isnt the bad guy in CCs scenario (as presented). When you're holding a grudge, all sorts of things can cause you to get frustrated. The strange thing is that we actually feel better when we stop pretending that we dont feel the way that we do or that we dont have needs, wants, and expectations. Thinking a bit more about what's going on can help you figure out if you're canceling plans because you truly want to stay in or because there's something else going on. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. information submitted for this request. Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. But. You cant squeeze blood out of a stone. So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! I knew it was not a good situation for my snoopy nature. This was a constant fight when we were a couple and one of the reasons I kept breaking it off with him. Lol. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. Learn. If you can find the strength, run, dont walk. We are all human beings, meaning we are entitled to do things that others are not okay with at some point or another. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. Ill definitely remember that. Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. Wheres the line between self-preservation and good parenting? Also, misspoke about 77it is 707, as you said. I was having a real rough time in my life a couple of years ago and attracted about 5 different personality disorder types into my life(including NPD). You're mean to not want to go there. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. In a 2021 analysis, researchers examined why we hold grudges. There is a problem with Remorse? That means behaving in their ultimate best interests. hes a carbon copy of many of the people discussed on this site; not so special or unique! Install a Number-Blocking application on your phone to filter his calls. Reflect on times when others have forgiven you. The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. After 20 months, the XBF recontacted me when he was in town. Theyre either in or theyre out!When you say no to being in one-sided and lopsided relationships, you say yes to loving yourself and prioritising mutually fulfilling relationships with love, care, trust and respect.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. Ask yourself about the circumstances that may have led the other person to behave in such a way. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. Forgiveness is letting go. ! Because it really isnt as easy as that. I guess that sounds awful but its just me. Maybe they say i love you, 5xs a day, instead of once a week. Theyre either in or theyre out! This serial monogamy is a fairly recent phenomenon and the bible is silent on how to handle it. My mother, who is in poor health and very demanding and lazy, expected me to step into my grandmothers role of basically being her punching bag. He had no answer to that so I walked away. He just kept saying we could get together and talk. It just isnt worth it and it only leads to more frustration, unhappiness and anger in the long run. So she knows whats really going on. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. . This is just what I needed to read today, so thank you so much, Natalie. I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. and not actually to feel any better. Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. Youre right. Thats just circumstantial. I could at times become quite narcissistic,using (ie disregarding/not considering) others feelings and disregarding the effect of my actions on them emotionally. He did make you genuinely happy for a time, I remember that. and then me saying, okay, fine, and then forgetting it all, never bringing it up, and acting like it never happened. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Sign up for our newsletter and receive our top articles That matured my arse up real quick. Many people who grew up churched have no idea of whats out there. It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. We were never enough of anything for her. Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. JBI Evidence Synthesis. We forgive the debt and move on (without the person and without payment). I cant imagine the devastation your heart must be in right now. Even months or years later, were so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective. He does not deserve the relief he thinks he will get from having a conversation with you wherein he manipulates you to be a kind and loving person forgiving him of all his transgressions, allowing him to move into the future without a guilty conscience. Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. Ask yourself, is charm enough to sustain you? I feel much better for having gone ahead and done this because it needed closure in my own head and only I could give that to me, by taking action and hoping to christ that I was enough of a different and stronger person not to fall into the same trap again. If never letting go of slights is referred to as holding grudges, what's it called when you'll always remember a kindness someone did you? Phone call would have made me more pouty, I am sure. Im trying to bresk free of a habit, and sometimes think it could be different, and though it might be marginally different, the same basic ingredients exist and would have their same affect if i let them. Ive even noticed a pattern of late where I can even have a civil, superficially friendly rapport with a EU/AC romantic prospect but keep them at arms length (where they definitely feel the boundary), and thats probably because I called the shots in ending things. Across, the hall, down the street, around the corner is just too close for comfort. Its a matter of being able to forgive, but not forgetting. Block this idiot. Theres a saying, What you resist persists,and its true. %PDF-1.6 % Asses dont tend to use protection. Do you think its healthy behavior? And dont feel guilty about it. I am going to be me and be in this true reality that I have found post-relationship. Youve only got a limited amount of control over those you can choose which waves to ride (thanks, BR meme!) Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. For a person who was badly, When one person is deeply hurt and broken by an offense caused by another person,. I felt wrongly safe in that I saw the way he was with women, and like you I found it was so excessive and crazy that it couldnt be serious, that it was an act to draw attention, that he was just being playful and enjoyed seeing my shocked/blushing faces, etc. Many years ago, I was seeing a guy who lived across the street. He emailed last night and it didnt make me feel better. If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. Whether the experience is a good one or a very bad one, hopefully you learn and come out a better person. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. They prevent the other party from repairing the relationship. And I dont think that my post said differently. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. , Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. When you try to set a boundary and say you wont do it, they complain youre holding a grudge. Im ususally the one trying to drag things out by conveniently forgetting that he was the one who used to nearly ignore me in the hallway, not call for days and then expect a hot night of sex,only to be gone the next day and not call again. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. They dont want to look like a bad or unforgiving person and their show of faith that theyre not carrying around resentment, hurt or hostility is to squash down their feelings, opinions, needs, expectations, and wishes, as well as excessive use of the Reset Button erasing the past and conveniently resetting your recollection of things to a point in the past that allows you to pretend as if what followed never happened. And when the topic of our relationship came up I was always telling my side of the story HOPING he would give me an apology, a crumb, anything to make me feel like it REALLY WASNT ME. Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels. When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. That just comes with time and distance. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. You hit the nail on the head. If we issue a blanket ban on meeting that way, youre left with online dating and randoms. Dont you know thats where he was going. Last night my ex tried to convince me yet again that it is my insecurities and jealousies that are getting in the way of our relationship, because I told him that I would be crushed if he spent the holidays with his ex wife. There are other friends who understand but two who dont I feel so much better and less grudging, now that I am starting to appreciate the distance and time I have claimed for myself. No more contact. The one who hurt them is "the enemy." It beats being vulnerable. I did fall for him and did feel an emotional connection even though he is EUM so we became friends then my feelings grew and i thought his did too and we got along much better, until he said he wasnt interested in relationship but kept emailing calling. Frontiers in Psychology. Validation? What if? Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. CC, I just read your comment. I realised that I dont need him to validate my feelings and that I dont need him in my life to feel happy. Im not angry and I forgive him not only for the mistakes he made, but also mine. What makes someone do that? Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. Something she could have easily done herself. I know I do! Im still confused tho Nat. What a shame! So we fool ourselves unless we pay 100% attention to our thoughts and actions.